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SAVE & CLOSE

You Matter

Posted on by Alex Aide

Alex Aide is Program Manager at Born This Way Foundation

Hi Friends,

This has been a particularly rough week in the news, so I just wanted to take this moment to remind each of you how important you are.

Maybe you are like me, and you’re a little more introverted + don’t always like asking for help, and you sometimes let that voice of anxiety speak a little too loudly. Well, please let me be louder in saying: you matter.

You matter to me. You matter to all of us at Born This Way. You matter to your families. To your friends. To your animals. To the baristas that look forward to seeing you every day. To that person on Instagram you’ve never met but always double taps your photos like a true fan. To your readers. To your teachers + professors. To your coworkers. To your teammates. To your gaming friends online. To that aunt that always manages to ask embarrassing questions but still means well. To your classmates. To volunteers you’ve worked with. To that one bug you decided to free outside rather than squash. To strangers you’ve run into and appreciated your polite smile. To people waiting to meet you and your fantastic self in your future. To everyone.

You matter.

One of my favorite words of wisdom I’ve ever heard came from someone telling me in a particularly down part of my life that “Yes, there will be tough times in the future. But there are going to be so many more good times. Don’t forget that!” In that very moment, it was as if someone took the blinders off of me that were keeping me from seeing the happiness ahead. It was simple advice, but I really hadn’t ever thought of my own future that way, and they were right. There have been so many more good moments in my life since then, and there will be a million more. I haven’t forgotten that.

If you or someone you know are in crisis, there really are wonderful and truly helpful resources immediately available: https://bornthisway.foundation/get-help-now/

And if you aren’t in crisis, but maybe you need that reminder of the good things in store for your future, or just need someone to talk to about your day from time to time, about your occasional frustrations, about that aunt that just keeps asking embarrassing questions, you have a community – online and offline – that cares about you and is ready to listen.

Take care of yourselves and each other today and every day.

-Alex

A letter from our Executive Director: Your Life Is Precious

Posted on by Maya Enista Smith

Today’s blog discusses suicide which may be triggering to survivors or to the family and/or friends of victims. If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, please seek help. You can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 24 hours a day or reach out to one of the other resources listed below for assistance.

My first language was Romanian and if you’ve every heard Romanian spoken, you’ve probably giggled. I often ask my own children not to talk about various bodily functions during mealtime and as they’ve learned more Romanian, they’ve found a work around. “Te poop” means “I kiss you” in Romanian and when I was younger, I would get horrified looks from strangers as I told my mom “fac o” (pronounced exactly how you’d think it would be, to get horrified looks from strangers) which means “I’ll do it.” This is a long preface, intended to tell you that when I was younger, I was allowed to curse. What was a curse word in one language, was a way to listen or show affection in another so my mother would tell me they were just words and what mattered was that how I used them. And, if I dropped too many F bombs in a day, she’d tell me I was getting lazy and ask me to consult a thesaurus and expand my vocabulary.

In middle school, I mentioned to her that my friend Karen had tried a cigarette and she pulled out a pack of Virginia Slims and told me to go to the backyard and try it and to let her know if I needed help. I didn’t like it and, somehow, the act of rebelling against your parents by smoking in an alley wasn’t so cool when it was your mom throwing you the cigarettes in your suburban backyard as the testing ground.

My mother was a psychologist and I was her finest case study. Her unorthodox parenting wasn’t always right, but it was always open, honest, and inviting of conversation and truth.

When I was thirteen, I did something truly mean to my little brother – I don’t remember what it was – but I remember that it was bad and I probably still owe him an apology. My punishment was that I couldn’t go to Ricky’s bar mitzvah and I was devastated, sure that I’d be erased from the social scene immediately. My mom calmly handed down the punishment and I went into hysterics. Through sobs I said, “If I can’t go to Ricky’s, I will kill myself.”

Her body straightened; her face – which was previously soft and calm – got rigid and severe. She grabbed my shoulders firmly and she looked at me and said, “Maya, never again. You will never again say that. You can have every reaction you want in the world. You can hate me, for the rest of your life, but you will never again say those words. Your life is precious, it will be hard and I will be here, and you will live it.”

I was stunned into silence. I was allowed to curse at the dinner table and try a cigarette in the family’s backyard. I told my mom about every boy I kissed and, later in my life, she’d be my confidant in much more serious and urgent issues. But, this one time, I had gone too far. In 34 years, jokingly or otherwise, I’ve only said those words one time.

When I was a teenager, one of my closest friends attempted suicide and was sent away to get help. In my twenties, my boyfriend (now, my husband) lost his father to suicide and I walked along that journey with his family and, one day, I’ll have to tell my children how their Gramps died. I give speeches about mental wellness and people line up in the corners of the room to whisper to me that they too have attempted to harm themselves or that they are desperate to get help – for a loved one or for themselves.

What I’ve learned from my work, and my life, boils down to what my mom told me when I sat on my bed instead of dancing the night away at Ricky’s bar mitzvah: your struggles are real and they’ll be devastating but your life is precious and the world needs you. I need you.

Today, the world lost Kate Spade, but we also lost dozens more. Each day, according to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, we lose approximately 123 people to suicide. If you know someone who is struggling, share the resources below and tell them how much they mean to you. If you’re struggling and clicking on another link is not what you’re in the mood to do, just know that on behalf of the team at Born This Way Foundation, including our fearless leader Lady Gaga, we need you. We need your light, your voice, your spirit, and your fight.

Feeling anxious or depressed? Try kindness.

Posted on by Cynthia Germanotta and David R Hamilton PhD

Cynthia Germanotta is President and Co-Founder of Born This Way Foundation. Dr. David R. Hamilton is Dr. David Hamilton, PhD, is an expert on the power of kindness and the link between mental, emotional, and physical health. Cynthia and Dr. David want to share tips for how kindness can actually boost your mood and improve your mental wellness.

Being kind is the right thing to do. Acts of kindness – either grand or small – are the easiest way to help those around you. But a growing body of research is demonstrating that kindness benefits the person being kind as well. Among its many side effects, being kind to others can help protect against depression and anxiety.

Research showed that the presence of kindness seemed to diminish stress. It didn’t mean that kindness eliminated stressful events. Life happens; the key, in fact, was that kindness could buffer stress. In other words, even when stressful events occurred, kindness seemed to take some of the sting out of them.

In one study of over three thousand people, University of Texas researchers found that those who did regular volunteer work had fewer symptoms of depression than those who didn’t. In another study at the University of British Columbia, 142 people with high levels of social anxiety were randomized to either perform acts of kindness, participate in behavioural experiments or be in a control group. At the start of the study and every week throughout, they reported on their mood and anxiety levels. Those in the kindness group experienced significant improvements in positive emotion — they felt happier, their relationships improved, they became more confident, and they showed less avoidance of some social situations. Kindness made them happier and more socially comfortable.

Being kind can also counter stress. This was shown in a Yale University study led by Emily Ansell, an assistant professor of psychiatry. Participants in the study filled out an online assessment each day for two weeks where they logged acts of kindness that they did as well as stressful life events. The key finding of the study was that in days where participants were helping others they had less stress; on days where they did less kindnesses, on the other hand, they experienced more stress. Kindness and stress couldn’t coexist.

Focusing outwards on helping others as a mechanism for helping oneself seems counterintuitive. The idea of giving to others when you’re the one who needs help doesn’t make sense at first. But when we do look outwards, towards the needs of others, our natural tendency to care comes to life and the burden of depression can gradually lift. Modern research indeed shows the brain can be changed through kindness. Studies on people practicing a Buddhist meditation known as the “Loving Kindness Meditation,” which encourages the practitioner to cultivate feelings of kindness and compassion for others, show physical changes on the left side of the prefrontal cortex of the brain, an area associated with positive emotion and happiness.

Kindness also seems to impact the amygdala region of the brain which is associated with fear, anxiety, and trauma. Studies show that oxytocin, a hormone known for its role in breastfeeding and reproduction but that is also produced abundantly when we’re being kind, acts directly on the amygdala to reduce its activity. In one study, people preconditioned with fear showed high levels of activity in the amygdala, but when they were given a dose of oxytocin the activation of the amygdala significantly reduced and so did their pre-conditioned fear.

Being kind can protect us from depression and anxiety and help us find a way out when we’re struggling; considering the needs of others and trying to help them can temporarily take us out of ourselves. For some, this can be starting point of their own recovery.

References:
1) For the more than 3,000 people Texas University study, see: Protective in older adults: M. A. Musick and J. Wilson, ‘Volunteering and Depression: The Role of Psychological and Social Resources in Different Age Groups’, Social Science and Medicine 2003, 56(2), 259-269
2) For the study where kindness benefited people with social anxiety, see: Kindness reduces social anxiety: L. E. Alder and J. L. Trew, ‘If It Makes You Happy: Engaging in Kind Acts Increases Positive Affect and Socially Anxious Individuals’, Emotion 2013, 13(1), 64-75
3) For the study where kindness countered the effects of stress, see: E. B. Raposa, H. B. Laws, and E. B. Ansell, ‘Prosocial Behavior Mitigates the Negative Effects of Stress in Everyday Life’, Clinical Psychological Science 2016, 4(4), 691-8
4) For brain changes through Buddhist meditation, see: David R Hamilton, PhD., ‘The Five Side Effects of Kindness’, (Hay House, 2017)
5) For research showing how oxytocin reduces activity in the amygdala, see: P. Petrovic, R. Kalisch, T. Singer and R. Dolan, ‘Oxytocin Attenuates Affective Evaluations of Conditioned Faces and Amygdala Activity’, Journal of Neuroscience 2008, 28(26), 6, 607-15
6) For how kindness produces oxytocin, see: David R Hamilton, PhD., ‘The Five Side Effects of Kindness’, (Hay House, 2017)

Kindness: A global approach

Posted on by Dr. Sue Swearer and Raul A. Palacios, Ed.S

Dr. Sue Swearer is the Willa Cather Professor of Educational Psychology at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln who has chaired Born This Way Foundation’s Research Advisory Board and led the Born Brave Experience research with assistance from Raul Palacios, Ed.S, a Doctoral Student at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln.

No one is born knowing how to be kind. Teaching kindness early in life is important for yourself, your family, your school, the people you work with, and your community! Below are a few examples of how people can teach, practice, and show kindness throughout their lives.

Individuals: An important part of kindness is being intentional with your actions. “Self-care” is one way that you can be kind to yourself. Self-care includes taking care of your own mental and physical health. Take time to be kind to yourself by putting time aside to do the things you enjoy. It seems logical that being kind to other people is easier when you are happy and kind to yourself.

Families: Depending on your family situation, being kind to the people who you spend your day-to-day life with may be easier for some than others. However, there are many things that different family members can do to work towards a kinder home. First, kindness is a teachable behavior! This means that parents and older adults (e.g., grandparents, aunts and uncles, older siblings and cousins) can model ways to be kind to others. Second, don’t yell at one another. Being angry/irritated/frustrated/ is completely normal, but you have the ability to control how you react to a difficult situation. Take the time to give yourself some alone time + space to think about appropriate ways to handle the situation before lashing out. Third, be mindful of your family, their spaces, and your family roles. This can vary from doing your chores on time to asking how you can help around the house. Kindness is about being intentional with your words and actions in your home.

Schools: It takes a lot of people to make a kind school. Just think of all the different people and their roles such as the school principal, the school administration, teachers, janitors, lunch crew, students, parents, the librarian, etc.! Principals can demonstrate kindness by recognizing the hard work that the teachers are doing, and teachers can pass on that kindness to their students. Educators can create kindness activities into their daily lesson plans. Educators can also call out the kind behaviors that they see, instead of focusing only on negative behaviors. Students can also show kindness to other students by talking nicely to one another, or by making sure that everyone at school has someone to hang out with. Students can also show kindness to their teachers by going to class prepared and ready to learn!

Workplaces: Work can be super stressful, so it is important to create a kind work environment! You can show your co-workers kindness by simply displaying gratitude for their role in your workplace. If there are times when you or your co-workers feel overworked, feel free to take time to offer your support. If you are a manager or administrator, teach your new employees their work responsibilities and offer support when they are learning new on-the-job skills! If you are a trainee, be sure to thank your trainer for their support!

Communities: Being kind to a community member can go a long way and can be as easy as giving a friendly hello or smile. If you have time, volunteer at a local organization. You can also get involved at local community events, fairs, and farmers markets to demonstrate community support. You can also do your part to keep your neighborhood clean. Most importantly, intentionally speak kindly to everyone!
Being a community member is not only about where you physically live! Don’t forget about your online community, too! You can be kind by committing to make a kinder online space. Take the Hack Harassment pledge to commit to stand up for people in need and to help keep them safe: https://www.hackharassment.com/pledge/.

Empowering empathy to increase kindness

Posted on by Brian Smith, PhD

Brian H. Smith, PhD is an expert in youth development and has served as a member of Born This Way Foundation’s Research Advisory Board and as a Senior Research Scientist at the Committee for Children.

We all know empathy is important, but too often empathy fails to promote kindness. Read on for how we can empower empathy to increase the kindness in the world.

Escaping empathic distress

It’s easy to share in someone’s happiness or excitement. It can be much more difficult to feel strong empathy with someone who’s suffering. Empathic distress is when feeling someone else’s suffering makes you suffer. When we feel bad the natural reaction is to do something to feel better. When what’s making us feel bad is empathy for someone else’s suffering, one way to feel better is to comfort and help them. We all want to be that strong and caring.

But there are other ways to escape the distress of feeling another’s pain. Say you witness someone being bullied and it makes you feel bad. You could stick up for them or comfort them, but you could also take on the attitude, which is more common than we’d like to think, that they somehow brought it on themselves. You could just ignore what’s happening and walk away, or you could even join with the people doing the tormenting.

Empathic distress can cause people to focus on escaping the discomfort of empathy instead of doing something to make a suffering person feel better.

One thing that helps stop empathic distress from derailing your intentions to be kind is simply noticing what you do when you see someone suffering. Does your reaction follow your values? Is it how you’d like to react? Or are you unconsciously escaping the feelings in a way that works for you but doesn’t help them? Mindfulness practices are becoming more common and can help with this. But simply paying attention and noticing how you react to others is what counts.

There are also two emotion-specific skills that help people react positively to the uncomfortable feelings of empathic distress. The first is emotion awareness. Being consciously aware of how you’re feeling helps you avoid getting pushed around by emotions without knowing it. Being aware of what you’re feeling opens the door for you to use another powerful skill: emotion tolerance. Newer research shows that trying to make uncomfortable emotions ‘go away’ usually doesn’t work and often causes additional problems. The better approach is to recognize the emotion, accept that it’s happening, and still consciously choose to act on your values.

One of the best paths to increasing emotion awareness and tolerance is Social and Emotional Learning. The good news is that schools today are increasingly embracing this approach of teaching students how to be more aware of and able to cope with their feelings in ways that are positive and prosocial rather than letting their feelings push them to do things that harm others or themselves.

Expanding the circle of empathy

One of the problems with both research and popular ideas about empathy is that we too often think of empathy as a fixed trait- you either have it or you don’t. The reality is what matters is not how much empathy people have but who they have empathy for.

Far too often people’s empathy gets caught in this ‘In Group versus Out Group’ trap. It’s easier to feel empathy for your friends, your family, people like you, perhaps people of your nationality, race, religion, or people who share your beliefs and values. It’s much harder to extend the circle of empathy to people who seem like ‘the other’ or ‘not one of us’.

A simple example from research is that when people were shown pictures of hurricane victims they rated the suffering of people of their own race higher than others – which then had a big effect on who they said they wanted to help provide relief to.

An example perhaps we can all relate to is middle school- the age when bullying is at its peak. When teens hit adolescence their brains and hormones push them to focus intensely on peers and their social world. This often creates a powerful desire to fit in. One way middle schoolers (and even adults) figure out who’s in is by defining who’s out – and when that’s done in cruel ways it becomes bullying.

The solution is to expand our circle of empathy. Keep in mind that the more different someone is from you the more conscious effort you may have to make to understand what they’re experiencing. Empathy can be something you have but it can also be something you DO.

We often think about empathy promoting kindness. What if that’s partly backwards? What if kindness is actually one of the best ways to promote empathy- especially towards people who are less like us? What I’m talking about here is not ‘acts of kindness’ so much as valuing kindness, kindness as a norm, even kindness as a commitment. If we truly believe that kindness towards everyone is important that can empower us to expand our circle of empathy.

When kindness is a norm, a strong value we hold, it can help guide how we approach the rest of the world. The more we automatically bring kindness to how we think about everyone, not just those close to or most like us, the more likely we’ll be to make the effort to understand people’s experiences – even when it makes us feel sad or challenges the comfort of our identity.