April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. As part of SAAM, Born This Way Foundation is posting a series of guest blogs from sexual assault survivors and awareness and prevention advocates. We want to ignite the conversation around sexual assault and end it. Today, we’re featuring a guest post by Monica Martinez, Director of Retreat Research & Survivor Support for the Joyful Heart Foundation, a national organization founded by actress and advocate Mariska Hargitay that works to heal, educate and empower survivors of sexual assault, domestic violence and child abuse, and to shed light into the darkness that surrounds these issues. To learn more about Joyful Heart and these issues, visit www.joyfulheartfoundation.org. 

It takes courage for a survivor to share their story with anyone. As one survivor shared with us once about her own experience, “It’s not just what happened that night. It’s everything that happened after.”

In listening to an individual’s story, your response can have an enormous impact on that person’s healing journey. There are words, actions and resources that can help you support someone who shares their personal experiences with you. Although you can never take away what happened to someone, you can be a source of comfort.

Just remember, if someone shares their story with you, that means you’re probably already a person they look to for support, compassion and guidance. You don’t have to be an expert—you just have to be yourself.

1. Listen. 

Sometimes you don’t even need words (or at least, a lot of words), to be there for someone. Many people share that just being able to tell their story to someone else lessens the weight of isolation, secrecy and self-blame. Remember, listening in and of itself is an act of love

2. Validate.

Think about a time when you felt vulnerable or faced a crisis, and think of what helped you the most. Chances are that it was not a specific conversation that you had, but it was the knowledge and comfort the person or people you told were there for you, believed in you, were on your side and were committed to supporting you through a hard time.

“I’m so sorry this happened to you.”

“I believe you.”

“This is not your fault.”

“You’re not alone. I’m here for you and I’m glad you told me.”

Often times, a survivor may feel like what happened to them is their fault. We are bombarded with victim-blaming myths and attitudes in our society, and they can sink in…deeply. But no action excuses a person hurting someone else. Violence and abuse is never the victim’s fault. That responsibility and shame lies with the perpetrator. It can be helpful to communicate that gently and repeatedly.

“Nothing you did or could’ve done differently makes this your fault.”

“The responsibility is on the person who hurt you.”

“No one ever has the right to hurt you.”

“I promise, you didn’t ask for this.”

“I know that it can feel like you did something wrong, but you didn’t.”

“It doesn’t matter if you did or didn’t _______. No one asks to be hurt in this way.”

3. Ask what more you can do to help.

Violence and abuse is about power and control. It is vital for survivors to regain their sense of personal power and agency. Instead of pushing someone into taking actions for which they are not ready, ask how you can support them.

4. Know where to point someone to for more help.

You can best help the survivor by offering options and leaving space for them to decide where to go from there. Here are some national resources—services that can point someone to local resources in your area. The Joyful Heart Foundation has resources and information on our website for survivors and friends, family and partners. Learn more about them here.

5. Keep an open heart.

Remind them that you are available should they like to talk about their experiences further. The healing journey can be a long one, full of many challenging—but sometimes joyful and liberating—conversations. Knowing that you are there to support along the way can make a big difference for someone.

“If we are able to communicate only one thing about your role in a survivor’s journey, it is this: never ever underestimate your power to affect its course.” 

– Maile Zambuto, Joyful Heart CEO

6. Finally, care for yourself.

There is a limit to what we are able to take in and process. The stories of someone else’s hardships related to a traumatic event can impact or become a part of us. This experience of second-hand trauma—often called vicarious trauma—is a human response to coming face-to-face with the reality of trauma and the difficulties of the human experience.

It’s important to care for yourself as you support another person. You cannot be your best self in your supportive role if you find yourself too tired to listen with care and compassion, or overfilled with your own emotions in response to another’s trauma. These feelings are totally valid. Take some time after a conversation to enjoy the outdoors, or do a healthy activity that makes you feel good as a way of re-centering yourself. We have more ideas on how to mitigate vicarious trauma here.

Remember, you can be your best self for someone else when you give yourself the space to honor your own needs.

To get more content like this, and to receive updates from the Joyful Heart Foundation, sign up here.

This blog post originally appeared on the Joyful Heart Foundation website. It has been reposted here with permission.

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. As part of SAAM, Born This Way Foundation is posting a series of guest blogs from sexual assault survivors and awareness and prevention advocates. We want to ignite the conversation around sexual assault and end it. Today’s guest blog comes from the Network for Victim Recovery of DC (NVRDC). The NVRDC was established in 2012 to provide a seamless network of referrals and services to all crime victims.  

Trigger Warning: This post contains descriptions of sexual assault. If you are in immediate danger, please call 911. Please call 800-656-4673 if you would like to speak with the National Sexual Assault Hotline or connect with their online hotline here.

Laurel [1] had waited more than a year for this moment. It was almost two years since she went to a concert with friends, took a drink that someone offered her, and woke up the next morning in a blood stained bed with vomit on her pillows and no clear memory of what had happened. It was with shock, horror, and panic that she realized she was raped. After receiving an invasive medical forensic exam, filing a police report, telling and re-telling her story to strangers over and over, and after months of waiting, she was finally here. Now, sitting in a room with her victims’ rights attorney, the detective assigned to her case, and the Assistant U.S. Attorney who would decide the outcome of the investigation—she was ready to hear the decision. Her assailant had originally told police that he didn’t have sex with Laurel but then, after being told that his semen was found in the Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner (SANE) kit, changed his story to say that the two had sex but that it was consensual. But Laurel would never know what a judge or jury would have to say about this change in his testimony or anything else, because at this meeting she was told that her case would not be prosecuted due to lack of evidence. Her assailant would face no consequences in the criminal justice system.

Sadly, Laurel’s story is not unique. According to RAINN, only 32% of rapes even get reported to law enforcement. Only 3% are referred to prosecutors, and only 2% ever lead to a felony conviction.[2] Societal misconceptions and rape myths perpetuate the challenges that survivors face while going through the criminal legal process. Questions like “How much did you drink?” and “Why did you let them into your home?” perpetuate the fact that many people still see survivors as at least partially responsible for what happened to them.

It took Laurel two months to decide whether or not she was ready to report the assault to law enforcement. Going into it, she knew that the chances of her case being prosecuted, let alone of getting a conviction, were very small. Even though the kit contained evidence that clearly showed that they had sex, Laurel’s victims rights’ attorney told her that even with evidence many cases never go to trial. Despite the fact that she knew reporting would force her to tell and retell the story of her assault to strangers who may not believe her, ultimately she decided that she needed to take a stand for herself and for other survivors. It took one meeting for her hopes for a day in court to be washed away.

Wraparound support for survivors

Laurel is one of hundreds of survivors NVRDC has met since first opening their doors in 2012. Their mission is to empower victims[3] of all crimes to achieve survivor defined justice through a collaborative continuum of advocacy, case management, and legal services. NVRDC first intersected Laurel when she went to MedStar Washington Hospital Center to receive her medical forensic exam following her assault. One of NVRDC’s case managers stayed with her the whole time to provide emotional support and to give her information about the choices available to her after the exam. Laurel’s case manager connected her with one of NVRDC’s attorneys who gave her legal advice and assisted her with reporting and with the investigation process. Her NVRDC attorney was the one sitting beside her when the prosecutor told her that her case was not going to move forward.

One of the things that makes NVRDC unique among other service providers is the fact that they provide comprehensive and wraparound services regardless of race, ethnicity, gender identity, sexuality, religious affiliation, income-level, or immigration status for as long as they’re needed. Oftentimes survivors need to go to one organization for hospital accompaniment and case management, another to find a lawyer for assistance filing for a civil protection or restraining order, and yet another for legal representation during the criminal investigation and prosecution. In many places around the country, survivors do not even have access to organizations in their area that provide crime victims’ rights representation.

NVRDC’s vertical advocacy model ensures that the same case manager who a survivor meets at the hospital during their exam remains their case manager for as long as they are needed in the survivor’s recovery. It also allows their clients to connect with a single attorney who can guide them through all aspects of the legal system. Research has shown that rape survivors who receive the assistance of an advocate were significantly more likely to have police reports taken when reporting the crime to law enforcement and were less likely to be treated negatively by police officers. These survivors also report experiencing less distress during their involvement with the legal system. This is especially pertinent given the fact that sexual assault survivors are more likely than others to experience negative social consequences. They are three times more likely to suffer from depression, 13 times more likely to abuse alcohol, 26 times more likely to abuse drugs, and four times more likely to contemplate suicide.[4] Research has also shown that crime survivors who receive wraparound supportive services report greater satisfaction with their experience in the justice system regardless of the outcome of the case.[5] What NVRDC believes is that even though there are many aspects of the justice system that are ultimately out of a survivor’s control—including whether or not the case against their assailant will be brought to trial—providing comprehensive supportive services for victims will reduce the likelihood of retraumatization and help survivors feel more empowered throughout the process, regardless of the outcome.

Survivor defined justice

Laurel describes receiving the decision from the prosecutor as one of the most hurtful things that she has ever experienced. When the doors to achieving justice through a criminal trial were closed to her, she created new openings for herself. She drew upon her frustrations with her own experience to tirelessly advocate for other survivors of sexual violence in the District. Thanks, in large part to her advocacy, in 2014 the DC Council enacted legislation that expanded the rights of sexual assault survivors in the District called the Sexual Assault Victims’ Rights Act Amendment (SAVRAA). Provisions of this legislation such as making SANE kit results available to victims, ensuring those results were returned in a timely manner, having the right to know the results of the exam, and requiring law enforcement to notify the survivor of when they are going to contact the accused assailant were included because of Laurel’s advocacy and the testimony she shared about her experiences following the assault.

Since SAVRAA went into effect in the fall of 2014, Laurel has served as a member of the DC SAVRAA Task Force (a multidisciplinary task force that convenes to address the issues that arose from the passage of SAVRAA) and has continued to advocate for greater transparency in criminal prosecutions and for stronger protections on behalf of survivors. Laurel was acknowledged for her efforts by the Office of Victims of Crime, a component of the Office of Justice Programs, U.S. Department of Justice, in 2015 when she was awarded the Crime Victims’ Rights Award. In honor of her legacy, NVRDC named the Laurel Advocacy Award after her, which recognizes a community partner who demonstrates a commitment to working closely with the community and with NVRDC to further the needs of those impacted by crime.

Looking back on these experiences, Laurel said, “This entire process has taught me that I am so much bigger than any fear that I’ve ever had. We don’t ask to be victims, but we do have the power to stand up for what we believe in.” Survivors across the country are standing up and advocating for changes in how institutions and systems respond to sexual assault. Moments like when Lady Gaga sang “Till It Happens to You” with 50 survivors standing with her on stage at the Oscars have served as a powerful microphone to amplify the voices of survivors like Laurel and countless others. NVRDC looks forward to the day that their services for victims of sexual assault aren’t needed anymore. But until the day comes when sexual violence in all its forms is eradicated, NVRDC is honored to work with survivors like Laurel and hundreds of others in working together to achieve what justice looks like to them.

Get Help

If you are in the District of Columbia and experienced a sexual assault, please call the DC SANE Hotline at 800-641-4028. If you have been the victim of a crime in DC and would like to speak with an advocate about case management and legal advocacy, you can visit www.nvrdc.org or call 202-742-1727.

If you live or were assaulted somewhere other than the District of Columbia, you can contact RAINN by calling 800-656-4673 or connect with their online hotline here.

[1] Personally identifying details about Laurel’s case have been left out to protect her privacy. This story is used with her permission.

[2] RAINN, Reporting rates, https://rainn.org/get-information/statistics/reporting-rates.

[3] While NVRDC supports however victims/survivors choose to identify themselves and their experiences, as an organization that provides legal representation, uses “victim” in the title as it is a legal term that provides survivors/victims with specific rights under laws such as the Crime Victims’ Rights Act. As seen in this article, NVRDC often uses both the terms victim and survivor to describe individuals who have been impacted by crime.

[4] RAINN, Effects of rape, https://rainn.org/get-information/statistics/sexual-assault-victims.

[5] Office for Victims of Crime, U.S. Department of Justice, Vision 21 Report, http://ovc.ncjrs.gov/vision21/pdfs/Vision21_Report.pdf