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Bi-frication and Kindness

Being Kind isn’t a #MotivationalMonday post on Instagram.
It is being available in human form to impart empathy on another human,
We have all become so inundated with the perception of what we look like online, that we forget how to act in actual life.

I am committing to being a person I would want to be in love with, befriend, co-work with.

The amount of followers and fans that you have on social media is pointless at 3am when you can’t sleep, when a close family member has let you down, a sudden death or loss.

I look at the cumulative 10K people I am connected to on social media and there are maybe 5 PEOPLE TOTAL that I can call if need be. In the past few months, I have spent a few days wishing it were evening, and many evenings wishing that the light would come sooner.

The lack of transparency online is brutal when you approach a place in your life where compassion is all you really need, yet judgement and passive aggressive Retweets, status updates and IG posts are what you intern receive. IN those times, it is impossible to NOT take things personal.

I have learned the profundity of that statement “Don’t take it personal”, must be reserved for people who do not have self worth issues, insecurities, and truly believe that they are substantially correct in all things that have to do with being a human.

I, for one, am far too fallible to believe even a modicum of that.
No matter how beautifully I would try to craft that poem, every line would be a lie, each stanza an epic proportion of deceit.

So, on the days when I feel less – a great friend gave me the most sound advice I believe I have received in this 3rd decade I am doing my best to traverse.
She told me “Don’t go on social media friend, there is nothing that is going to affirm you there today”.

Albeit sound advice, I am so connected to my technology, I wasn’t able to heed her advice. Instead, I went online – searched the timelines and found what I was looking for. More information that made me feel less than I know that I am.

My take away – be kind.
When it is too dark to remember that the sun will shine again, turn on a night light.
When it feels like the sun is shining on everyone but you, remember – it’s just a photo, positioned in perfect light, angle modified and filtered.

Social Media should be fun and informative, not self-deprecating. It’s a filter, that is what I tell myself – “It is just a caption underneath a photo, Azure. Relax. Be Human. Ignore the caption.”

This post was written by poet, brand humanist and creative strategist, Azure Antoinette. She is this year’s Emotion Revolution Summit MC.

5 Ways to Fight Sexual Assault

Of particular salience in the dialogue across the country is the issue of sexual assault – whether on campus, in the military, directed at LGBT people, etc. The recent launch of Lady Gaga’s song “Till It Happens To You”, co-written by Diane Warren, is yet another vehicle driving discussion around this topic. Here are five ways that celebrities, activists and ordinary individuals across the country are combatting and raising awareness about sexual assault.

Pop culture as a platform

Lady Gaga’s music video for “Till It Happens To You” serves as a Public Service Announcement (PSA) for the issue of sexual assault and raising awareness about its victims. The song was co-written with acclaimed songwriter Diane Warren and produced for the documentary The Hunting Ground which assesses campus rape across the U.S. The video features several instances of sexual assault and shows how the victims are able to cope, seek support and find survive such a traumatizing experience. Lady Gaga is an example of how celebrities can use their spotlights and platforms to connect with millions of people, help raise awareness about rape culture on college campuses and sexual assault, and provide encouragement to those who have faced it.

Take a pledge, change the conversation

As a star athlete and one of the top football recruits in the country, Jerome Baker was a leader on his high school football team, at his high school, and throughout his community. Driven by a desire to rebuild the reputation of his fellow athletes and to change the conversation around sexual assault and rape in his community, Jerome decided that he would make a pledge to end violence against females. Not only did he pledge to do so, but he encouraged and recruited athletes in his community to sign on as well. From making phone calls to talking about the pledge in the gym, Jerome was able to recruit over 100 high school athletes in his area to join him. He is an example of how a leader at any age and at any level can change the conversation and encourage young men to step up, act responsibly and promote respectful behavior.

#SayHerName, tell her story

Janet Mock is an author, TV host, activist, trans woman, and a whole lot more. On a recent episode of Melissa Harris-Perry’s MSNBC show, Mock used the opportunity presented to her as a guest host of the show for a night to highlight a particular issue regarding sexual assault – and that is the prevalence of violence against trans women, and trans women of color in particular, by naming all of the trans women who had been murdered in hate-motivated crimes in the past year. That number unfortunately has increased in the days since Mock’s segment on MSNBC. The Human Rights Campaign and the Trans People of Color Coalition published a report that similarly names all trans murder victims in the U.S. Mock’s naming of these victims reinforced that they aren’t a statistic, they’re people and should be treated that way.

Tackling institutions

As a U.S. Senator from New York, Kirsten Gillibrand has taken up the mantle in Congress for reforming how the military investigates and prosecutes allegations of sexual assault. She has fought tirelessly, introduced legislation, reached out to members of both political parties, held hearings and, in doing so, has helped raise sexual assault to prominence in the national discourse. In a political institution that is often unable to come to a decision on many issues due to partisanship, Gillibrand was able to get Republicans and Democrats alike to back her proposal. While ultimately unsuccessful in seeing her reform included in the final military funding bill, she nonetheless took on the massive institution that is the U.S. military and brought the topic of military sexual assault to the front and center of political and social discourse.  And she’s not giving up, as she reintroduces her legislation and keeps up the work to see her reforms come to fruition.

Taking a stand and making people listen

As the now-famous “mattress girl,” Emma Sulkowicz has been fighting for justice since her sophomore year of college after university officials mishandled her and other students’ reports of being sexually assaulted by a fellow student. In order to bring attention to the university’s handling of her situation and to make students, faculty and administration listen to her story, she chose to do her senior thesis in the expression of performance art by carrying her mattress with her everywhere on campus. She is an example of yet another individual who has brought the issue of sexual assault, particularly on college campuses, to prominence. Her protest piece refuses to let her community forget about her assault, and allows her to take a stand as a victim and not be silenced.

It Should Never Happen to You

Our mission at Born This Way is to support the wellness of young people and part of that mission involves having difficult conversations about difficult topics. Lady Gaga’s new song, “Til It Happens to You” is now available on Apple Music  and shines the light on a very important problem: campus assault and rape. The song, written by Diane Warren and Lady Gaga contributed to a film called The Hunting Ground, documenting campus assaults and rapes that have been an age-old problem, yet one that has not been openly discussed.  You can watch the PSA directed by Catherine Hardwicke on Vevo (A portion of proceeds from the sale of the song will be donated to organizations helping survivors of sexual assault). “’Til It Happens to You” aims to open up the conversation about campus assault and rape.

Here are some of the research facts about campus assaults/rapes:

  • While sexual assaults are under-reported, a recent study suggests that 1 in 5 young women have been sexually assaulted on college campuses.
  • In a 2004 study of women raped on college campuses, 72% of the women were raped while intoxicated (Mohler-Kuo, M., Dowdall, G.W., Koss, M.P., & Wechsler, H. (2011). Correlates of rape while intoxicated in a national sample of college women. Journal of Studies on Alcohol, 65, 37-45).
  • While the statistics on campus assaults are scary, there are prevention and intervention programs that can help.
  • An online intervention program, “Take Care,” was found to increase bystander intervention behavior when witnessing campus violence by teaching students what to do and where to seek help (Kleinsasser, A., Jouriles, E.N., Mc Donald, R., & Rosenfield, D. (2015). An online bystanders intervention program for the prevention of sexual violence. Psychology of Violence, 5, 227-235).
  • University campus health centers provide campus leadership, education, and mental health services regarding campus violence. Check out the CARE program at the University of Maryland:  and the PREVENT program at the University of Nebraska.
  • Fortunately, increased awareness of campus assault and rape has led to increased programming to prevent violence.

Despite the increased research in this area and increased public attention to this very important topic, many campus assaults go unreported. We want to change this statistic by empowering everyone to SPEAK OUT AGAINST VIOLENCE.

What can we all do?

  1. Create a buddy system. Don’t go to a party alone. Make sure someone is there to watch out for you and to make sure that you get home safely.
  2. Identify a designated friend who won’t drink at the party and who will be responsible for making sure you’re okay. Do the same for your friends.
  3. Know that drinking/drugging are risk factors for assault and violence. Think before you take a drink/do the drug.
  4. Bring your own water and/or your own drink. Don’t put your drink down or give it to someone you don’t know.
  5. Be wary of strangers—people who are charming and who want to get to know you quickly are most likely the people whom you should be worried about.
  6. Be a good friend and stick with your good friends.
  7. Have conversations with your friends about safety. Create a safety plan.
  8. Don’t walk alone at night. Most campuses have escort programs and campus police who can help if you’re alone.
  9. Consider carrying pepper spray on your keychain.
  10. Find campus supports at your campus counseling center. Get involved with domestic violence and assault resources in your community.

It is brave to seek help and we want you to know that there are many supports for people who have experienced assault in all forms. You are brave – stand up and use your VOICE to seek support for yourself and others.

With Gratitude,
Dr. Sue

“It Happened To Me”

Last week, my daughter’s “Till It Happens To You” PSA premiered. The foundation has been flooded with responses, reactions and messages about the unfortunate epidemic of campus sexual violence.  This morning, I wanted to share with you the personal story of one of the members of the Born This Way Foundation family. I share her resilience, strength and courage with you in hopes that it inspires you to ask for help if you need it, educate yourself on the resources available and take action to stop experiences like hers from taking place on our nation’s college campuses.
Cynthia Germanotta – ‘President, Born This Way Foundation’

 

Most young adults leave for college feeling excited about the new opportunities and relationships that await them.  Many also share the mindset of “bad things can’t happen to me,” myself included. I left home for my sophomore year at a university 1,000 miles away from home, anxious to get back to my sorority sisters and my freedom. However, within my first month back at school I found myself experiencing a set of very different emotions.

Three weeks into my fall semester I was raped by a guy who offered to drive me home from a fraternity rush week party.  The excitement and joy I felt just a few weeks earlier left and I suddenly felt extremely alone. I pushed away my negative feelings and pretended I wanted what happened that night to happen but I didn’t and I said “no.”

For years I didn’t tell anyone what happened. I made a lot of choices in that time that I regret and I began to blame myself for “getting raped.” I shouldn’t have been drinking. I shouldn’t have worn that skirt. I shouldn’t have flirted with him. I should have waited to go home with my roommate. These thoughts circled through my brain and I replayed the night over and over in my head. I wound up moving home from school my junior year to constant questions from my friends and family as to why I left.

Many people still do not know what I went through or how deeply it has effected me. I remained silent for three years, which may seem odd to some, but is actually extremely common with victims of sexual violence. In fact, 95.2% of students choose to not report their campus rape. I was not willing to admit to myself that anything like that could happen to me. I was embarrassed by the attack and by many of the choices I made after. I still have days where I wish I hadn’t gone to that party and wonder what my life would be life if I didn’t come home but I try not to focus on the negatives and look at the positives.

Although my parents did not know what I went through having them support my decision to move home was vital to my healing process. Five years following my rape I don’t consider myself a victim. I channeled the pain from my experience and used it to motivate myself. I am currently in my second year of graduate school for psychology and would like to use my experience to help others break their silence.

Having someone as influential as Lady Gaga share her own experiences about this subject and take a stand against campus rape is instrumental to change the status quo. Many colleges still believe that rape is not a problem at their school, which contributes to victims not wanting to report. The reality, however, is that about 20% of women will be subject to some form of sexual assault during their college career. That is 20% of women who will feel used, worthless, and alone if something does not change.

There are ways that you can help stop this epidemic. Organizations such as “End Rape on Campus” and “Know Your IX” work to give victims of sexual assault a voice. If you or someone you know was raped or sexually assaulted – know that you are not alone. Together we can work to empower students and put a stop to sexual violence on campus.

If you or someone you love has been sexually assaulted, there are places to turn for help. For a full list of service providers near you, visit RAINN.com and – for immediate assistance – call the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline at (800) 656-HOPE (4673).

Be Brave, Act Brave, Stay Brave

September is suicide prevention month and at Born This Way we like to say that every day is an opportunity to take care of your mental health. There are so many supports for you when you’re struggling and we’d like to help you find them. In our research on help-seeking preferences, we’ve found that the best combination of support is both talking face-to-face and reaching out through confidential text or chat lines. We’ve listed several, reputable sources of support on our website here and we’ve recently heard about this Veterans Crisis Line, where veterans can receive 24/7 support. The Veterans Crisis Line has a powerful slogan, “the power of one.” It just takes one kind comment, one brave gesture to help yourself or someone who might need help.

It’s also important to remember that seeking help doesn’t have to be complicated or expensive. Going for a walk, hiking, talking to a trusted friend or family member, meditating, exercising, yoga, volunteering are all great and inexpensive ways to focus on your mental and physical health.

When you or someone you know needs additional mental health treatment, there are some great resources to help you find a mental health professional in your area. The Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies has a “Find a Therapist” link. Psychology Today also has a link for finding a therapist in your area. Finally, WebMD has a link to help you determine which type of therapist might be best for you or someone you know.

We want you to know that it’s brave to seek help. Everyone needs help and support throughout their lives. Be the one who is brave to get help and most importantly, be kind to yourself and others.

With Gratitude,
Dr. Sue